I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
