she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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