Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
