Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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