i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
