My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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