Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
now i know why i became what i already was.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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