Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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