i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
