I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
