My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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