"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
