When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
