hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
