Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
