that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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