You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
