She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
