My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sorry my hands just texted you
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
