Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
