Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
