Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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