Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
