Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
