2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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