I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
