Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize
