here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
