come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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