take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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