your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
