True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
