just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
