"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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