Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize