How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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