Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
