Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
