My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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