For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
