Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
True strength comes from lack of pants
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