So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
did you just send me my own nude
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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