Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
