Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
