Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
