I am spending my child support on dildos
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize