i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
