I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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