Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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