I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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