Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
