I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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