3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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