Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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