someone threw a dead crab at me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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