Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
