do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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