I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
