Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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