new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
