I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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